Dino of the Day - 03/26/08

HEY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE DINO CADETS! Here's one that'll really give you a BONEr. GET IT? BONE-R? BONER! LIKE DINOSAUR BONES. This is Steven and he's a Dimorphodon. I don't get him.

Dino Bites - 03/26/08

Hey folks, Dr. Charles Bone here with the first installment of "Dino Bites", which is an exciting and original new concept that I made up myself, wherein I post questions from YOU the Dino Cadets out there in Pangea. Let's just hop right into it, shall we?



Dear Dr. Bone,

nobody likes me and all i do is watch porn all day and i keep trying to rub one out even though it started to hurt and bleed is there something wrong with me

sincerely,
paul, phoenix, az

Dear Paul,

Yea man.



WAT THE FUCK MAN WHATS WIT ALL TEH DINOSAR SHIT

RAZER65

Dear Razer Sixty-Five,

The relationship between pornography and dinosaurs is really quite simple. First of all: Everyone loves porn, and everyone loves dinosaurs. Secondly, I want you to think about dinosaurs while you masturbate, like I do.



Dear I Tag Your Porn,

I recently started working in porn (maybe you've worked on one of my films LOLZ), and I wanted to ask you: Is there a technique you've seen used where I can get a fist up my butt and not have to wear adult diapers anymore?

love,
Grace, Miami, Fl

Dear Grace,

Unfortunately there is no way to avoid this, Grace. Until scientists are able to find funding to look into the matter, I doubt there ever will be. The best way to avoid this is to treat fisting like the AIDs it is: practice abstinence. There is currently no "condom" so to that can provide you with 100% security during your fisting endeavors.

Ahem.

No, I haven't forgotten any of you. You see, there's some big things going on behind the scenes of the "I Tag Your Porn" office. Big changes. I'll make a press release about one of the biggies shortly. For the press. So as to feel important.

ANYWAY

Many battles won, and many lost at the office. A new magazine has appeared in the men's bathroom stall, a fellow Paleontologist showed me a much more efficient way in which to watch pornography, and the Gods of Pornography have deemed "TTTT" to exist. Now if they would only acknowledge that there are some Tranies out there who don't shave their crotch, my life would be a lot easier. I mean really, who hasn't kicked back for an evening of trannie porn and been completely aghast and angered that she's got more hair down there than on her head? Just trying to help the masses, ease the plight of my fellow man just that much more.

I have to run though. The whiskey hour is upon us, and I'm going to see Jesus with my old pal Heaven Hill. On top of that, the esteemed paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh should be here any second to continue working on the really big plan I spoke of.

Here's a dinosaur to jack off to:



This is a leptoceratops. He is from the "Ceratops" genus of dinosaur. He's pretty shitty, not a good friend.

Now Look What You've Done

I am ashamed to even call any of you Dino-Cadets. I feel dishonored by you all. With many tears and much regret, I have decided to lay our good friend Ankylosaurus to rest. Did you sickos think it would be funny to choose "Fisting" as your favorite dinosaur in the poll? Did you all sit back idly and say, "Hey! Fisting's funny! I'll vote for that because there will be no repercussions."?

Ooooh boy. Oooh boy, you were all so wrong.

From now on, Ankylosaurus is dead. He's dead to me, he's dead to you, and he's dead to this very website. You will never hear one more utterance regarding one.

Dino of the Day - 03/17/08

Hey there all you scumfuck Dino Cadets! Here's one that'll give you a boner to end all goddamn boners!!!! Holy tit fuck and shit!

I am aware of the lack of flesh ripping and lightning in the background, but would you get a load of how long that fucker is? It's a Mamenchisaurus, and his name is Bryan. The one in the back.

You Never Know

Another short one today. I was going to attend an interesting event with fellow paleontologist Gideon Mantell, however he "bailed" at the very last moment. His membership with the Paleontological Society is current up for review.

This may very well be a blessing in disguise, as my boss ok'd me to come in at 11am tomorrow and Friday. For an alcholic such as myself who doesn't get hangovers anymore... this means some much deserved debauchery is at hand for tonight.

ANYWAY.

A feeling of deja vu struck me while watching a lesbian flick. It was an indescribable feeling... a mixture of dread, wonder, and deception. I felt this before when I worked on the flick starring the guy with two dicks. This was a straight up lesbian flick... some cunnilingus, some dildos flying here and there... then during the last scene, one of the girls funnels water up her butt, and proceeds to squirt it out -fart noises and all- into the other girl's apparently enthusiastic mouth. They don't even go that far in enema flicks. I'm too depressed to give you guys a dinosaur today. You are all sick, twisted, and you allowed this sort of film to happen.

Dino of the Day - 03/11/08

Hey there Dino Cadets! I know that I have been neglecting you of your fix in recent days, so I figured I'd give you a rather epic one today. It's a scene depicting what life may have been like in the Cretaceous, showing a tenontosaur and some hypsilophodonts just palin' around. The hypsilophodont on the far right is named Gary.

Apparently I'm a Lush and the Enema King

"Your score is 45%. According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered as few as 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. Since you answered more than 3 questions Yes you should seek an evaluation by a healthcare professional."

What can I say? It's not my fault that my night-cap before going to bed for work is half a bottle of Old Crow. What's a guy to do?

Anyway, this post is gonna be short, and possibly jumbled. I have a lot to get done tonight before some fellow paleontologists come over to partake in some much needed debauch.

Work was exceptionally difficult today. In the mornings I usually arrive to find a new stack of projects on my desk. I have a theory that the man who distributes the projects hands them out from least to most disturbing... and I sit at the last desk. Dude next to me? He has himself a couple 4 hour long straight flicks making his numbers all high and delicious. And what about me? Apparently I'm the resident go-to guy for enema, fisting, and bondage flicks. I had somewhere around 8 flicks on my table and only one was a nice, regular straight-gay-or-tranny flick. I am the fucking Enema King.

On a related note, one of the day's fisting flicks involved a woman taking a foot up her butt. It was truly impressive, and I was happy to notice that the man was kind enough to put a condom on it.

Tests of Will

I promised I'd post "every day" ("every day" of course being every day except weekends, and the completely random event that I actually get out on a weeknight), so here it is. I've got quite a bit to say and muse upon, but I'm saving a lot of it for future updates (re: the features I keep talking about/am working on). But really, I deserve a FUCKING MEDAL. Why?

Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii, that's why.

No, I'm not going to go all nerdy and video-gamey here on this blog, but I merely want to gloat and show how dedicated to YOU, the Dino Cadets out there, how much I love you, and how I promise to honor my word.

See, in years past, I was pretty damn obsessed with video games. Not so much anymore... I mean, I have a Wii, I have a bunch of games, but I rarely play it or them. I keep buying ones I know are supposed to be good (the Metroids, the Marios, etc), get all into them and play for a few hours for a day or two, and then... time to move on.

This has not and will not happen for some time with Smash. I played that nasty slut for HOURS upon HOURS, and you know what? - FUCK YOU I'M GONNA BE DOING IT ALL WEEK WHEN I GET HOME FROM WATCHING GROSS PORN. And still, I will make a solemn oath to you, my Avid Perv, that I will continue posting here.

Incidentally, e-mail me your Brawl friend code so I can kick your ass with Samus online.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

Emergency update from the front lines of battle. This may be the greatest day of my life.

Scott T. Norman has died.

I lied when I said I wouldn't be back until Monday. I lied on behalf of Scott T. Norman, one of the foremost cryptozoologists studying living dinosaurs. He has died. He saw a pterodon. And now he's dead.

His obituary:
http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/norman-obit/

His pterodon sighting:
http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/norman-ptero/

It was nice having you here man. Thanks for seeing a dinosaur, you lucky bastard. Rest in peace.

Homework for YOU

Not much of an update tonight. I'm slightly embarrassed even. However, I spent the last few hours jotting down "feature" ideas in my notebook and getting in touch with porn stars. Things are going to go down here soon, son. Do you mind if I call you "son"? Whatever, fuck you, I'm calling you "son".

Here's some homework for YOU, the reader. One of the many things I want to kick off is "Ask Itagyourporn". Send me your questions. About porn or dinosaurs. Preferably a two part question involving both. But just do it. I will answer them, promise.

See you on... let's see... I'll probably write you all again on Monday? Yea, Monday.

Dino of the Day - 03/06/08

COME ON ANKLYOSAURUS YOU CAN BEAT FISTING IN THE POLL YET!

Dino of the Day - 03/05/08

This is one sweet ass picture of a Titanosaur. He was freaking big. We're talking Lexington Steele big here, folks. Oh the wonder.

Diphallia

Hey all. I overslept a little bit, so I am running late for work today. Which also means my housemate beat me to the shower. Oh well.

In the meantime, I'd like to address the handful of e-mails and comments I received regarding yesterday's post from the front lines.

Yes, the man did indeed have two penises, no it was not fake, and believe it or not, it is a medical condition known as "diphallia". Apparently it strikes approximately 1 in every 5.5 million males, and for the most part, the infant either dies from urinary infections, or the second genital is surgically removed.

I really wanted to figure out the guy in the flick's name, but I'm pretty certain that he was one of the two names on the box that were simply first names (if I recall the two first names on the box were Brian and James).

Someone in the comments asked me for a picture... here you go:
http://www.chiflaos.com/thumbs/diphallia135.jpg
__________________________________

I'm considering not even showering at this point... hurry up in there man!

Dino of the Day - 03/04/08

Hey there Dino-Cadets! Here it is, your Dino of the Day, you freaks. FUCKING FREAKS.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

I am posting this from the frontlines of battle. This man has TWO PENISES. I repeat, this man has TWO PENISES. They are real, and work. Do I mark this one down as double penetration??? My mind is seriously blown right now. It's not even a fetish flick. Regular old mid-90's flick, but BAM all of a sudden there's a scene with a guy who is the proud owner of two dicks.

What. The. Fuck.

Enemas. Enemas. Enemas.

Oh, my dear old friend, the enema film. I love you so much. Your beauty is such as a perfect brush stroke performed by Ghirlandaio. It is such as a baby's first step on its own. The light that shines from within you mesmerizes me. You paralyze me with your brilliance, enema film.

At your core, you surely represent all that is beautiful and right in this world. For you see, I understand you. No one around you can fathom your brilliance. No one has the patience to step back, muse, and reflect inward upon themselves.

Can they not see how purely you relate the human condition? Let us consider...

We begin with two characters. A woman who is receiving the enema, and a woman who is administering it. Does no one realize that this reflects stale, empty, heartless society encroaching on the purity of the human spirit? That of the human dream? Essentially, that which makes us all human?

Does no one see how, despite a little bit of lube to calm and numb the experience of life, a tube is still being shoved up your ass? The administer then proceeds to fill the asshole of the world until it simply cannot take any more. Until it is ready to burst forth from all of the burden, all of the hate, all of the inequity.

But like a phoenix, we fight back. We reach for the bedpan, and we let it rip. We let it rip so fiercely, so uncontrollably, so PASSIONATELY, that not only has that which has been forced on us been expelled, but also all the shit and dirt that we've been taking before.

Enema films represent a cleansing of the soul. A return to a primitive, pure form of being. They are beautiful and wonderful, and I am crying like a baby right now even typing this. There is nothing else on this earth that comes close.

I'm going to go donate to charity. I'm going to give to the poor. I'm going to stand on the highest building, close my eyes, and just let the wind wrap around me and take it where it will.

Dino of the Day - 03/03/08

HEY DINO-MANIACS. Here is a picture. Of dinosaurs just plain ol' duking it out with one another. That's what they did for fun, they didn't eat each other so don't worry.