Here's the Skinny

I am here to tell you all that this blog is officially going on hiatus until next Monday. I'm doing so in order to assemble a full redesign and prep up some articles. Good times await you, Dino Cadets!

Dino of the Day - 04/02/08

I tried to find a sweet picture of a dinosaur with tons of lightning crashing down in honor of the lightning bolt I tried and failed to shave into my pubes, but I came up empty handed. This Spinosaur will have to do.

Gross.

This'll be a brief one. Posts here are gonna be a tad sparse until probably sometime into next week as I'm devoting my mental energies to something that is related to this blog.

ANYWAY

On my way back in from a smoke break, I struck a conversation with a fellow Paleontologist, who ended up asking me, "So what's the grossest thing you have had to work on so far?". I was completely at a loss for words. I still can't come up with a solid answer to that question, it's like asking oneself what one's favorite movie is. She was quick to add that the worst one she's had to deal with was 60+ Euro lesbian porn. I can see her point.

So I felt I would pose a question to you Dino Cadets out there: what's the worst pornography YOU have had the pleasure of watching?

Dino of the Day - 03/26/08

HEY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE DINO CADETS! Here's one that'll really give you a BONEr. GET IT? BONE-R? BONER! LIKE DINOSAUR BONES. This is Steven and he's a Dimorphodon. I don't get him.

Dino Bites - 03/26/08

Hey folks, Dr. Charles Bone here with the first installment of "Dino Bites", which is an exciting and original new concept that I made up myself, wherein I post questions from YOU the Dino Cadets out there in Pangea. Let's just hop right into it, shall we?



Dear Dr. Bone,

nobody likes me and all i do is watch porn all day and i keep trying to rub one out even though it started to hurt and bleed is there something wrong with me

sincerely,
paul, phoenix, az

Dear Paul,

Yea man.



WAT THE FUCK MAN WHATS WIT ALL TEH DINOSAR SHIT

RAZER65

Dear Razer Sixty-Five,

The relationship between pornography and dinosaurs is really quite simple. First of all: Everyone loves porn, and everyone loves dinosaurs. Secondly, I want you to think about dinosaurs while you masturbate, like I do.



Dear I Tag Your Porn,

I recently started working in porn (maybe you've worked on one of my films LOLZ), and I wanted to ask you: Is there a technique you've seen used where I can get a fist up my butt and not have to wear adult diapers anymore?

love,
Grace, Miami, Fl

Dear Grace,

Unfortunately there is no way to avoid this, Grace. Until scientists are able to find funding to look into the matter, I doubt there ever will be. The best way to avoid this is to treat fisting like the AIDs it is: practice abstinence. There is currently no "condom" so to that can provide you with 100% security during your fisting endeavors.

Ahem.

No, I haven't forgotten any of you. You see, there's some big things going on behind the scenes of the "I Tag Your Porn" office. Big changes. I'll make a press release about one of the biggies shortly. For the press. So as to feel important.

ANYWAY

Many battles won, and many lost at the office. A new magazine has appeared in the men's bathroom stall, a fellow Paleontologist showed me a much more efficient way in which to watch pornography, and the Gods of Pornography have deemed "TTTT" to exist. Now if they would only acknowledge that there are some Tranies out there who don't shave their crotch, my life would be a lot easier. I mean really, who hasn't kicked back for an evening of trannie porn and been completely aghast and angered that she's got more hair down there than on her head? Just trying to help the masses, ease the plight of my fellow man just that much more.

I have to run though. The whiskey hour is upon us, and I'm going to see Jesus with my old pal Heaven Hill. On top of that, the esteemed paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh should be here any second to continue working on the really big plan I spoke of.

Here's a dinosaur to jack off to:



This is a leptoceratops. He is from the "Ceratops" genus of dinosaur. He's pretty shitty, not a good friend.

Now Look What You've Done

I am ashamed to even call any of you Dino-Cadets. I feel dishonored by you all. With many tears and much regret, I have decided to lay our good friend Ankylosaurus to rest. Did you sickos think it would be funny to choose "Fisting" as your favorite dinosaur in the poll? Did you all sit back idly and say, "Hey! Fisting's funny! I'll vote for that because there will be no repercussions."?

Ooooh boy. Oooh boy, you were all so wrong.

From now on, Ankylosaurus is dead. He's dead to me, he's dead to you, and he's dead to this very website. You will never hear one more utterance regarding one.

Dino of the Day - 03/17/08

Hey there all you scumfuck Dino Cadets! Here's one that'll give you a boner to end all goddamn boners!!!! Holy tit fuck and shit!

I am aware of the lack of flesh ripping and lightning in the background, but would you get a load of how long that fucker is? It's a Mamenchisaurus, and his name is Bryan. The one in the back.

You Never Know

Another short one today. I was going to attend an interesting event with fellow paleontologist Gideon Mantell, however he "bailed" at the very last moment. His membership with the Paleontological Society is current up for review.

This may very well be a blessing in disguise, as my boss ok'd me to come in at 11am tomorrow and Friday. For an alcholic such as myself who doesn't get hangovers anymore... this means some much deserved debauchery is at hand for tonight.

ANYWAY.

A feeling of deja vu struck me while watching a lesbian flick. It was an indescribable feeling... a mixture of dread, wonder, and deception. I felt this before when I worked on the flick starring the guy with two dicks. This was a straight up lesbian flick... some cunnilingus, some dildos flying here and there... then during the last scene, one of the girls funnels water up her butt, and proceeds to squirt it out -fart noises and all- into the other girl's apparently enthusiastic mouth. They don't even go that far in enema flicks. I'm too depressed to give you guys a dinosaur today. You are all sick, twisted, and you allowed this sort of film to happen.

Dino of the Day - 03/11/08

Hey there Dino Cadets! I know that I have been neglecting you of your fix in recent days, so I figured I'd give you a rather epic one today. It's a scene depicting what life may have been like in the Cretaceous, showing a tenontosaur and some hypsilophodonts just palin' around. The hypsilophodont on the far right is named Gary.

Apparently I'm a Lush and the Enema King

"Your score is 45%. According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered as few as 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. Since you answered more than 3 questions Yes you should seek an evaluation by a healthcare professional."

What can I say? It's not my fault that my night-cap before going to bed for work is half a bottle of Old Crow. What's a guy to do?

Anyway, this post is gonna be short, and possibly jumbled. I have a lot to get done tonight before some fellow paleontologists come over to partake in some much needed debauch.

Work was exceptionally difficult today. In the mornings I usually arrive to find a new stack of projects on my desk. I have a theory that the man who distributes the projects hands them out from least to most disturbing... and I sit at the last desk. Dude next to me? He has himself a couple 4 hour long straight flicks making his numbers all high and delicious. And what about me? Apparently I'm the resident go-to guy for enema, fisting, and bondage flicks. I had somewhere around 8 flicks on my table and only one was a nice, regular straight-gay-or-tranny flick. I am the fucking Enema King.

On a related note, one of the day's fisting flicks involved a woman taking a foot up her butt. It was truly impressive, and I was happy to notice that the man was kind enough to put a condom on it.

Tests of Will

I promised I'd post "every day" ("every day" of course being every day except weekends, and the completely random event that I actually get out on a weeknight), so here it is. I've got quite a bit to say and muse upon, but I'm saving a lot of it for future updates (re: the features I keep talking about/am working on). But really, I deserve a FUCKING MEDAL. Why?

Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii, that's why.

No, I'm not going to go all nerdy and video-gamey here on this blog, but I merely want to gloat and show how dedicated to YOU, the Dino Cadets out there, how much I love you, and how I promise to honor my word.

See, in years past, I was pretty damn obsessed with video games. Not so much anymore... I mean, I have a Wii, I have a bunch of games, but I rarely play it or them. I keep buying ones I know are supposed to be good (the Metroids, the Marios, etc), get all into them and play for a few hours for a day or two, and then... time to move on.

This has not and will not happen for some time with Smash. I played that nasty slut for HOURS upon HOURS, and you know what? - FUCK YOU I'M GONNA BE DOING IT ALL WEEK WHEN I GET HOME FROM WATCHING GROSS PORN. And still, I will make a solemn oath to you, my Avid Perv, that I will continue posting here.

Incidentally, e-mail me your Brawl friend code so I can kick your ass with Samus online.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

Emergency update from the front lines of battle. This may be the greatest day of my life.

Scott T. Norman has died.

I lied when I said I wouldn't be back until Monday. I lied on behalf of Scott T. Norman, one of the foremost cryptozoologists studying living dinosaurs. He has died. He saw a pterodon. And now he's dead.

His obituary:
http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/norman-obit/

His pterodon sighting:
http://www.cryptomundo.com/cryptozoo-news/norman-ptero/

It was nice having you here man. Thanks for seeing a dinosaur, you lucky bastard. Rest in peace.

Homework for YOU

Not much of an update tonight. I'm slightly embarrassed even. However, I spent the last few hours jotting down "feature" ideas in my notebook and getting in touch with porn stars. Things are going to go down here soon, son. Do you mind if I call you "son"? Whatever, fuck you, I'm calling you "son".

Here's some homework for YOU, the reader. One of the many things I want to kick off is "Ask Itagyourporn". Send me your questions. About porn or dinosaurs. Preferably a two part question involving both. But just do it. I will answer them, promise.

See you on... let's see... I'll probably write you all again on Monday? Yea, Monday.

Dino of the Day - 03/06/08

COME ON ANKLYOSAURUS YOU CAN BEAT FISTING IN THE POLL YET!

Dino of the Day - 03/05/08

This is one sweet ass picture of a Titanosaur. He was freaking big. We're talking Lexington Steele big here, folks. Oh the wonder.

Diphallia

Hey all. I overslept a little bit, so I am running late for work today. Which also means my housemate beat me to the shower. Oh well.

In the meantime, I'd like to address the handful of e-mails and comments I received regarding yesterday's post from the front lines.

Yes, the man did indeed have two penises, no it was not fake, and believe it or not, it is a medical condition known as "diphallia". Apparently it strikes approximately 1 in every 5.5 million males, and for the most part, the infant either dies from urinary infections, or the second genital is surgically removed.

I really wanted to figure out the guy in the flick's name, but I'm pretty certain that he was one of the two names on the box that were simply first names (if I recall the two first names on the box were Brian and James).

Someone in the comments asked me for a picture... here you go:
http://www.chiflaos.com/thumbs/diphallia135.jpg
__________________________________

I'm considering not even showering at this point... hurry up in there man!

Dino of the Day - 03/04/08

Hey there Dino-Cadets! Here it is, your Dino of the Day, you freaks. FUCKING FREAKS.

EMERGENCY UPDATE

I am posting this from the frontlines of battle. This man has TWO PENISES. I repeat, this man has TWO PENISES. They are real, and work. Do I mark this one down as double penetration??? My mind is seriously blown right now. It's not even a fetish flick. Regular old mid-90's flick, but BAM all of a sudden there's a scene with a guy who is the proud owner of two dicks.

What. The. Fuck.

Enemas. Enemas. Enemas.

Oh, my dear old friend, the enema film. I love you so much. Your beauty is such as a perfect brush stroke performed by Ghirlandaio. It is such as a baby's first step on its own. The light that shines from within you mesmerizes me. You paralyze me with your brilliance, enema film.

At your core, you surely represent all that is beautiful and right in this world. For you see, I understand you. No one around you can fathom your brilliance. No one has the patience to step back, muse, and reflect inward upon themselves.

Can they not see how purely you relate the human condition? Let us consider...

We begin with two characters. A woman who is receiving the enema, and a woman who is administering it. Does no one realize that this reflects stale, empty, heartless society encroaching on the purity of the human spirit? That of the human dream? Essentially, that which makes us all human?

Does no one see how, despite a little bit of lube to calm and numb the experience of life, a tube is still being shoved up your ass? The administer then proceeds to fill the asshole of the world until it simply cannot take any more. Until it is ready to burst forth from all of the burden, all of the hate, all of the inequity.

But like a phoenix, we fight back. We reach for the bedpan, and we let it rip. We let it rip so fiercely, so uncontrollably, so PASSIONATELY, that not only has that which has been forced on us been expelled, but also all the shit and dirt that we've been taking before.

Enema films represent a cleansing of the soul. A return to a primitive, pure form of being. They are beautiful and wonderful, and I am crying like a baby right now even typing this. There is nothing else on this earth that comes close.

I'm going to go donate to charity. I'm going to give to the poor. I'm going to stand on the highest building, close my eyes, and just let the wind wrap around me and take it where it will.

Dino of the Day - 03/03/08

HEY DINO-MANIACS. Here is a picture. Of dinosaurs just plain ol' duking it out with one another. That's what they did for fun, they didn't eat each other so don't worry.

A minor note...

I was looking back on some of the things I have written, and I wanted to make a minor note...

In no way am I disgusted in regards to the people or those who enjoy indulging in the acts that I speak of. You know, if you are a person who just really likes sitting on a balloon until it pops, then... hey, that's your thing. Likewise towards those who get their rocks off watching the video. But it's not for me.

But seriously... next time I throw a party at my house and I walk in on someone ejaculating while popping balloons in my bedroom... you're fucking out.

Dino of the Day - 02/27/08

Stop watching that enema flick! It's time for your Dino of the Day, you sick, perverted bastards. It is a Dimetrodon, and his interests include hockey, apiary, and scat.

This job is really getting to my head......

I've officially had my first work related dream. Well, work related nightmare. Luckily for me it was the kind of dream where I would wake up every five minutes, pass back out, and start right where I left off.

Someone (no one recognizable) was hunched over me at my workstation, trying to convince me he has discovered the greatest new pornography ever invented. I don't believe him, so he puts it on to prove it. Turns out the next big thing in porn is going to be scenes where either the man or the woman drink poison at the beginning of the scene, then go at it. When the one who drinks poison dies, that's the end of the scene. And it just kept happening over and over again. I was stuck in my chair and my head would not move. I would wake up out of this, fall back asleep, and the next scene would go on.

I feel terrible. At least I can look at all the Dino of the Days to cheer me up tonight. Nothing funny today. This goddamn dream meant I received MAYBE 3 hours of sleep. My brain is too tired to be sarcastic and repulsed by this shit right now. But I swore to myself that I'd post every day (minus weekends, though sometimes), and damnit, I'm going to do it.

Dino of the Day - 02/26/08

HEY YOU SCUM FUCK DINO-CADETS! HERE'S ONE THAT'LL REALLY WHET YOUR WHISTLE! IT'S A BADASS T-REX OR SOMETHING AND HE GONNA KILL YOU.

Porn in the 80's

I have come to enjoy the music in a lot of pornography from the 80's a great deal. 70's porn music is already well regarded, but the music from the 80's is oftentimes overlooked. I sit there and think to myself "Shit, is that John Carpenter? Is that Jean-Michel Jarre? Nope, but damn thems some good synths".

Unfortunately, the negative affect of loving this music is that I sometimes find myself watching ones that are... well, in my opinion kind of gross just to take some more of the delicious melody in. Today for example, I kind of phased out listening to the tunes, only to snap back to reality when I realized I was watching two French, gay twinks alternately lick each other's buttholes, followed by making out, followed by more butthole lick, followed by making out. Etc. <---apparently a common thing in gay French twink porn from the 80's as I had the pleasure of working on one of those a few days back.

(As an aside I must note that while I was at first disgusted thoroughly, the quality of the production was quite good, so it made me realize that those men's buttholes were probably cleaner than most of the plates in my kitchen cupboard... I digress, as in my opinion this is a post-worthy subject...)

So now I am going to get all obsessive and try to track down some of the music from this era in MP3 form. If I find anything good, I'll share it with you guys. If anyone already has some, please let me know...

Dino of the Day 02/25/08

BREAKING NEWS FOR ALL YOU FUCKING DINOLOVERS OUT THERE:
Two new species of meat eaters have been discovered in the Sahara desert! I knew that place was more than just a bummer. It's a pleasure to meet you Eocarcharia dinops and Kryptops palaios. You guys look pretty sweet in my opinion. Perhaps even Dino of the Day material? Fuck no, here's your Dino of the Day:

Crapped Pants

Less than 24 hours until I have to get to work on some bondage flick. Between now and then, I have about 100 pages of theology to read. In the meantime, let's look at a sweet dinosaur, shall we?

DINO OF THE DAY:

Major and Important Change to the Theme

Nothing porn related today. However, I am posting to inform you all that I have decided to make a major change to the theme of this blog. From now on, this blog is also about dinosaurs. Why? Because I fucking love those rascals.

Each post will include a "Dino of the Day". If there is any news from the world of paleontology, you'll be the first to know after I'm done ranting about spanking flicks.

DINO OF THE DAY:

Solo Fem, I Love You

My first book of notes is almost filled. Nothing too interesting, it really just reads sort of like:

Gang Bang Addicts 2 <--- someone save their souls 1=00:02:43-00:41:18
2=00:41:20-01:01:10
3=01:01:13-01:46:07

Followed by my shorthand for the scene, which looks sort of like:
blo fac 5 atm dp cow miss swal

I forget the name of the studio at the moment, but we have had a recent onslaught of SOLOFEM flicks arrive from them at the office. Solofem as-in "solo female", naturally. These are the absolute BEST movies to work on. Because after I split the scenes, all I need to do is glance up, see what color hair she has, see what she's up to ("Oh ok she has herself a vibrator now"), see how big her boobies are, and then BAM. Tagged in about 1 minute. There's no fucking around with these bad boys; no sitting around waiting anxiously to see if a rogue ball suck will occur, no waiting to see if a quick bout of analingus will lay siege on my brain.

Just me and a lovely lady. My brain kicks all the sights of the previous flick out the door, and Spider-man and kitties and Charles Barkley walk in from behind them.

I Tag Your Porn: The Manifesto

Hello and welcome. If you know who I am, then you know who I am. If you know where I live, then you know where I live. If you know where I work, then you know where I work. Those are three things which will simply not be revealed on this blog. I will not be giving "insider info" of any kind about the company I work for (rest assured it is extremely well known... one of the biggies).

What I do intend to achieve here is... well, is to clean my brain. This here is the soap I'm gonna do it with. The atrocities I witness on a daily level are... desensitizing to say the least. Watching a dick get sucked, for example, has the same effect on me as watching a tree. Seeing a fist inserted in a woman's no-no, the same as watching a car drive by.

I have yet to decide, beyond that, what other subjects I will write about. But when I do (say, a ridiculous story involving myself and people I know) names will be changed. Probably to names of geologists and paleontologists from the 1800's. Regardless, lots of strippers have blogs. Lots of adult entertainers have blogs. Lots of doms have blogs. Why not me, the grunt?

But in all honesty, I feel as though all of this is a good thing. In the words of Etheldred Benett, the famous British geologist, "PORN DON'T DO IT FOR ME NO MORE DUDE". Which I think is a rather positive quality. Sure, I had to wade through the Fourth Level of Hell to get there (wading right on past the 60 year old German bondage slaves going at each other's dingalings), but... well fuck, I just remembered those 60 year old German bondage slaves going at each other's dingaling. At least I'm making someone, SOMEWHERE, happy. Naturally, that in turn makes me happy. Kind of. In some horrible way.

I am the savior of pervs. I am the hero of sleepless 3am. I tag your porn.